Sunday, December 6, 2009

Reason Number 24: There Are Always Cookies Worse Off Than Yours

This is perhaps the most important lesson your mother ever told you before she tucked you in.

Just say no to failure and yes to learning everything better.

At least genuine vanilla was employed, but even the most Madagascan and overpriced extract can't always reverse an over-burnt bottom, a too-thin spread.

How (how (how)) to avoid this kind of spread? How to make them fluff?

BUT: I could be eating Chips Ahoy, or Whoppers, or a subpar cluster of homemade pralines.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Reason Number 23: Reggae is so hilarious, and it doesn't even mean to be

"Gash Dem and Light Dem" by reggae artist Chuck Fenda inspired me to write a homophonic/syllabic translation based on repeatedly listening and watching the video, which wasn't even about weed! WTF. But seriously, the patois is so garbled and rapid I had no idea what the fuck was happening, which made it all the more applicable for an English to English translation simulation explosion.

Before sharing my interpretation of what I think Chuck Fenda's lyrics sound like, I'd like to take a moment to express my warm admiration for what reggae did for my creative process, in spite of my general distaste for this genre.

This poem is best read while listening to the song.

Splash Sperm, Englighten

Old, old lard!

Hmm, a’delivering four ewe, one finer swineherd.

Hmmm, derivative lard friar, hyar! Sexton in lieu

Of compromise, no timid eunuch.

Just give up!

Big manatee rape, pop a sixty year old bayleaf,

A big mangrove ewe papa, young gonad

Pull knight porn, a biddy, old lady.

Abet mange, lick few

moms dung schoolyard, undertaking a Mexican scabie,

But Godhole young, thick, nor nutbutter swell mighty bode, prithee.

Gashing and frightened for the negative version in my brains,

Crash, perm, and quite prim

Plea comfy mash-upward, make up a senseless kenning.

Flash them and fight Dubois, revere, offer—why? teabagging, gumming,

Mashed, dim, indict phlegm,

Ham, Gwar, and come out, dye wagers of skin.

Summer’s Eve, it’s on special o’er at Target.

Off the rocket, signet, call it, whack it, sparkle!

Unlove your leash, see dung and pork it

and “Stop, Carrie, water innards, Basquiat,”

Sung Moammar Kadafi, snuffed, “charmeuse is law.”

Ionic pushpin till bloodspurt drawl

All die wrong, buoy spew half toupee. Fish.

Dunce bat, je ne se qois, not smart

Come and tell me, say you don’t have newt hearth.

A long timid wiki priest, and a caulk.

And until you give Diptychs a stalk,

Utah. They tell me you’re nuts, fried fist-poppet, scoff,

Caw! You love her, tepid dog. A balk.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Reason Number 22: Life is long, maximize analysis

Definitely try Apple Pancakes, courtesy of Smitten Kitchen.

2 eggs, beaten
1.5 cups milk
2 cups flour (I used 1 white, 1 whole wheat pastry flour)
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 cup sugar
3 golden delicious apples, peeled and grated

Mix the eggs and milk in one bowl, the dry ingredients in another bowl. Combine them, but gently. Never overmix pancakes. I've learned this the hard way. Fold in the apples.

I added 1/2 tsp cinnamon and 1 tsp vanilla, as I believe NO baked goods suffer from a teaspoon of vanilla extract. Especially the Madagascar kind they sell at Williams Sonoma.

Oh yes, I'm a yuppie. And it's okay. It's okay to forego life essentials like paper towels in favor of the best vanilla extract available in stores.

I say this as I drink an enormous Dunkin Donuts coffee in lieu of the organic chemex-brewed Costa Rican beans I crave.

Revision: I'm not a yuppie. I ride the bus. And use Cetaphil.

Reasons why I might be a yuppie:
-specialty cupcakes
-Columbia University
-I listen to NWA while perusing balsamic vinegar brands at Dean and Deluca.
-several varieties of gummy vitamins
-lavender essential oils
-i phone
-A.P.C. desires
-bikram yoga
-no less than fifteen pilates DVDs (I don't use them anymore!)

Reasons why I am kind of not a yuppie:
-my apartment
-I've never been to Paris. Or Venice.
-Sunbeam cravings
-An ability to discuss diarrhea with poise and an open heart.
-I don't think Grizzly Bear is all that special.
-I have no idea how to use i phone
-I feel a sense of extreme relief upon entering WalMart, Target, and any drugstore (especially Walgreens)
-my cat is retarded
-I ALWAYS buy generic brand paper towels, toilet paper, garbage bags, CEREAL (!!!), canned goods (I just said CANNED GOODS), and sometimes shampoo.
-I don't enjoy discussing Chekhov with strangers. Or flirting.

This could go either way. I'll leave it to you to decide.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Reason Number 21: There are more words for HATE than despise

I realize I use "despise" so often it kind of does make me want to, you know.

Thank the dear Lord for thesauruses, even poorly-rendered, free online editions.

Dear Alex,
Here are some synonyms. You might become well-acquainted with a better vocabulary:
abhor, abominate, allergic to, anathematize, be disgusted with, be hostile to, be loath, be reluctant, be repelled by, be sick of, be sorry, bear a grudge against, can't stand, contemn,curse, deprecate, deride, despise, detest,disapprove, disdain, disfavor, disparage, down on, execrate, feel malice to, have an aversion to, have enough of, have no use for, loathe, look down on, nauseate, not care for, object to, recoil from, scorn, shudder at, shun, spit upon,spurn

Reason Number 20: villanelles are less amazing than cupcakes and more amazing than sandwiches

If she didn't look so much like my mom I would totally want to have insouciant yet tender anal with Ina Garten (aka Barefoot Contessa). As it stands, I've made quite a few of her recipes, all of which are so unbelievably delicious I can barely stand it.

Tonight is my second time making Perfect Roast Chicken . I forgot to buy fennel, so I'm using beets* instead.

These days I'm suspiciously happy. So happy it (shhhhhh) almost makes this blog irrelevant. I suppose even the best of us, the most unrelentingly dejected and acrimonious, need respite from that nagging urge to jump into the nearest heavily-trafficked intersection.

Who wants to drag a serrated knife across her throat when a mid-sized fowl carcass is roasting, blazing brown in a golden oven as brilliant yellow leaves fall crisp onto a sidewalk full of children riding bigwheels? (Even though I despise children more than a healthy serving of melted Swiss cheese.)

Who wants to turn the ignition in a carefully-closed garage when kittens the world over are diving into boxes too small to accommodate their soft, plump, adorable bodies?

Life is way too hilarious for these kinds of shenanigans. Life is too short not to use words like shenanigans. Twice!

Fuck you! I have floral doc martins.

*How amazing are these earthy purple wonders? Seriously.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Reason Number 19: Blog Renovation is No Longer Just for Pussies

Recently, I've missed putting words into space in a non-fictional setting.

I'm going to start posting recipes because, you know, I like them. And I try them often.

Also, fashion.

If this blog post is grammatically and/or sensically garbly, smashed, mushed, or otherwise not at all thought out, I apologize. While reading Charles Olson's "Mayan Letters" (to Robert Creeley) I stood up in the East Asian Studies Library and hit my head (very hard) against a concrete overhang.

CONCUSSION CENTRAL! Staring into a mirror at two different-sized pupils is unnerving. I remember my mom's big cardboard oversize font first aid (JUST IN CASE) book and being totally freaked out by the illustration of a girl with a fresh, hardcore concussion.

Have I mentioned my hatred of non-functional hats yet? Well, I hate them, and my hatred of them is part of my everyday existence in ways you wouldn't imagine (or if you do imagine I'll kiss you, right in the middle of your forehead!).

Also, for the record, I despise the ombre hair trend rampant on fashion blogs aplenty.

According to this aforementioned site that I usually agree with, it's at least worth pondering this 9/11 of hairstyles because, hey, it looks good on the runway (NO IT DOESN'T).

No. Just no. Go ahead and get yourself an ombre black-to grey cardigan! Or even a subtly ombre pair of ankle boots! Just. Don't. Make your hair like that.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Reason Number 18: Hiatuses from blogging

Approximately every five blocks, there is a Dunkin Donuts.

This might be disturbing for some, but for me it means ENORMOUS Iced Coffee (which cost only fifty cents on April 21st).

Today, I also ordered a croissant, which wasn't nearly as bad as one might imagine.

So, I suck at blogging. But my school year is essentially over, so maybe this summer will be reserved for more extensive digital recounting of my dull, hyperextended existence.

In other news:
-I'm learning photoshop! And flash! I really want to make a flash story/movie that evolves through time. I realize this makes very little sense.

-I'm starting a new blog with wee brother Dougles. It is a fashion-oriented blog with crazy awesome clothing on display (and for sale). I will let you know when it launches. It's partially online now but looks like garbage because I can't fix the header or the sans-seraph font (gross!).

-Salt and Vinegar almonds are delicious.

-I think I might like writing academic essays. It's almost more empowering than writing fiction, especially fiction no one likes.

-I don't really see a problem with wearing Denim on Denim anymore. Especially if it's done right. There are crimes way worse, like non-functional hats (newsboy, fedora, scally caps, those gross oversize headbands with fake peacock feathers that abound at Urban Outfitters).

-I want to challenge myself by writing a story with an intense plot with simple sentences. I just might die trying.