Reason Number 22: Life is long, maximize analysis

Definitely try Apple Pancakes, courtesy of Smitten Kitchen.

2 eggs, beaten

1.5 cups milk

2 cups flour (I used 1 white, 1 whole wheat pastry flour)

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

1/4 cup sugar

3 golden delicious apples, peeled and grated

Mix the eggs and milk in one bowl, the dry ingredients in another bowl. Combine them, but gently. Never overmix pancakes. I've learned this the hard way. Fold in the apples.

I added 1/2 tsp cinnamon and 1 tsp vanilla, as I believe NO baked goods suffer from a teaspoon of vanilla extract. Especially the Madagascar kind they sell at Williams Sonoma.

Oh yes, I'm a yuppie. And it's okay. It's okay to forego life essentials like paper towels in favor of the best vanilla extract available in stores.

I say this as I drink an enormous Dunkin Donuts coffee in lieu of the organic chemex-brewed Costa Rican beans I crave.

Revision: I'm not a yuppie. I ride the bus. And use Cetaphil.

Reasons why I might be a yuppie:

-specialty cupcakes

-Columbia University

-I listen to NWA while perusing balsamic vinegar brands at Dean and Deluca.

-several varieties of gummy vitamins

-lavender essential oils

-i phone

-A.P.C. desires

-bikram yoga

-no less than fifteen pilates DVDs (I don't use them anymore!)

Reasons why I am kind of not a yuppie:

-my apartment

-I've never been to Paris. Or Venice.

-Sunbeam cravings

-An ability to discuss diarrhea with poise and an open heart.

-I don't think Grizzly Bear is all that special.

-I have no idea how to use i phone

-I feel a sense of extreme relief upon entering WalMart, Target, and any drugstore (especially Walgreens)

-my cat is retarded

-I ALWAYS buy generic brand paper towels, toilet paper, garbage bags, CEREAL (!!!), canned goods (I just said CANNED GOODS), and sometimes shampoo.

-I don't enjoy discussing Chekhov with strangers. Or flirting.

This could go either way. I'll leave it to you to decide.

Reason Number 21: There are more words for HATE than despise

I realize I use "despise" so often it kind of does make me want to, you know.

Thank the dear Lord for thesauruses, even poorly-rendered, free online editions.

Dear Alex,

Here are some synonyms. You might become well-acquainted with a better vocabulary:

Love,

Thesaurus.reference.com

abhor, abominate, allergic to, anathematize, be disgusted with, be hostile to, be loath, be reluctant, be repelled by, be sick of, be sorry, bear a grudge against, can't stand, contemn,curse, deprecate, deride, despise, detest,disapprove, disdain, disfavor, disparage, down on, execrate, feel malice to, have an aversion to, have enough of, have no use for, loathe, look down on, nauseate, not care for, object to, recoil from, scorn, shudder at, shun, spit upon,spurn

Reason Number 20: villanelles are less amazing than cupcakes and more amazing than sandwiches

If she didn't look so much like my mom I would totally want to have insouciant yet tender anal with Ina Garten (aka Barefoot Contessa). As it stands, I've made quite a few of her recipes, all of which are so unbelievably delicious I can barely stand it.

Tonight is my second time making Perfect Roast Chicken . I forgot to buy fennel, so I'm using beets* instead.

These days I'm suspiciously happy. So happy it (shhhhhh) almost makes this blog irrelevant. I suppose even the best of us, the most unrelentingly dejected and acrimonious, need respite from that nagging urge to jump into the nearest heavily-trafficked intersection.

Who wants to drag a serrated knife across her throat when a mid-sized fowl carcass is roasting, blazing brown in a golden oven as brilliant yellow leaves fall crisp onto a sidewalk full of children riding bigwheels? (Even though I despise children more than a healthy serving of melted Swiss cheese.)

Who wants to turn the ignition in a carefully-closed garage when kittens the world over are diving into boxes too small to accommodate their soft, plump, adorable bodies?

Life is way too hilarious for these kinds of shenanigans. Life is too short not to use words like shenanigans. Twice!

Fuck you! I have floral doc martins.

*How amazing are these earthy purple wonders? Seriously.