Reason Number 5: Not Having To Move To Iowa

I got my first rejection letter!  From the Iowa Writer's Workshop.  I would say I'm devastated, but at least I don't have to deal with snow-covered cornfields, friendly Midwestern folk, or back pocket-less Bongo jeans for the next two years.  Because, you know, that's exactly what it would be like.

I like how rejection letters always insist on how much talent you have, how the admissions staff LOOOOVED reading your manuscript, but how there were just so many applicants, and they can only choose X of them.  When what they should be saying is: 

"Your writing is just not to our taste, and there were so many more commercially viable candidates in your place, some of whom have affiliations with our alumni, and it was really hard to choose between a heartrending story about overcoming cancer written by an ex-con paratrooper whose older brother is Dave Eggers and the hilarious rehab novella written by an orphan from Taipei who doesn't know any of our faculty but who is Flannery O'Connor's great-great-transgendered grandchild.  We're sorry.  Try again next year!!!"

I'm going to go stick my head in a toilet full of whiskey and blood.  <3